We have all been there. You walk into a hotel conference room that smells faintly of stale coffee and industrial carpet cleaner. You scan the crowd. To your left, a cluster of people are staring at their shoes. To your right, someone is reciting a sales pitch with the enthusiasm of a captor reading a ransom note. The energy in the room is flatlining.
You check your watch. You’ve been here four minutes.
The instinct—my instinct, your instinct—is to sigh, cross your arms, and think, “Sadly, this crowd is dead. These people are boring. When can I leave?”
But here is the hard truth that Glenn & Julie have had to learn the hard way: If you are bored at a networking event, it is probably your fault.
That stings a little, doesn’t it? It’s easier to blame the room. It’s easier to blame the accountant who gave you a one-word answer, or the consultant who seems more interested in the ice cubes in their drink than in you. Recently however, listening to the legendary Dr. Ivan Misner on the BNI Podcast (Episode 943, to be exact), and he dropped a truth bomb that we have been unable to shake.
He said, “You can’t have an interesting conversation with anyone without being interested.”
Today, for our “sunday supplement” we are going to dive deep into the murky waters of “boring” networking. We are going to dismantle the myth that you are a spectator waiting to be entertained, and I am going to give you the exact toolkit you need to turn the dullest room into a goldmine of connection.
Grab your coffee (or your kelp tea), and let’s dive in.
Part 1: The “Spectator Sport” Fallacy
Why do we find networking events boring?
Usually, it is because we walk in with a consumer mindset. We treat a networking event like a cinema or a comedy club. We pay our entry fee (or membership fees), we show up, and we take our seats, metaphorically speaking. We sit back and wait for the show to begin. We wait for someone to dazzle us. We wait for the room to provide the energy.
When the room fails to deliver, when the conversations are dry and the people are quiet, we feel ripped off. We think, “This event is a waste of time.”
But as Dr. Misner points out, networking is not a spectator sport. It is a participation sport. It is more like a bring a bottle party than a bar; if you don’t bring anything to the party, you can’t complain that there’s no drink.
When you stand in a circle with your arms crossed, silently judging the energy of the room, you are actively contributing to the boredom. You are sucking the oxygen out of the conversation. You are waiting for a spark while holding the fire extinguisher.
Think of it this way: In the Loch, if you just floated at the bottom waiting for the fish to jump into your mouth, you’d starve. You have to swim. You have to hunt. You have to engage with your environment. The same applies to you in a business suit.
If the room is low energy, you have two choices:
- Sink into the murk and complain.
- Be the spark that lights up the water.
The podcast episode tells a story of Dr. Misner walking into a room where people were standing in clusters, looking miserable. He realised that by standing there judging them, he was just another boring person in a boring room. The moment he decided to shift his mindset, to stop waiting to be impressed and start trying to connect, the room changed. The people didn’t change; his interaction with them changed.
Part 2: The Mirror Test (Are You the Bore?)
Let’s look in the mirror for a second. I know, it’s scary.
When you think someone else is boring, what is actually happening? Usually, you are asking generic questions and getting generic answers.
- You: “What do you do?”
- Them: “I’m an actuary.”
- You: “How long have you done that?”
- Them: “Ten years.”
- You: “Do you like it?”
- Them: “It pays the bills.”
Internal Monologue: “Dear Lord, save me from this conversation.”
But look at your input. You fed them standard, low-effort data inputs, and they gave you standard, low-effort data outputs. You are treating them like a vending machine: insert coin, receive job title.
Dr. Misner argues that the real reason people feel boring is that they are talking to someone who hasn’t asked the right question yet. They are stuck in their “professional script.” They are reciting the same lines they have recited a thousand times because you gave them the cue to do so.
If you are bored, you are being boring.
You are not being malicious. You aren’t trying to be dull. You are just being passive. And passivity is the enemy of connection.
The “Boring” person in front of you likely has a rich inner life. They might be restoring a Ford Capri in their garage. They might write sci-fi novels on the weekends. They might have just returned from a life-changing trip to Peru. But you will never know any of that if you keep asking them about their spreadsheet software.
Your job as a master networker is to give them permission to be interesting. You have to break the script.
Part 3: The Science of Being Interested
There is some fascinating psychology at play here. Research shows that meaningful, two-way conversations reduce anxiety and fast-track trust. However, here is the kicker: people like you more when you let them talk about themselves.
It’s called the “likability bias.” When you ask someone a question that lights them up, and you listen with genuine curiosity, their brain releases dopamine. They feel good. And because they feel good while talking to you, they associate that good feeling with you.
Dr. Misner quotes a great insight from Medium.com in the article: “Being socially skilled is about making the other person feel interesting or worthwhile.“ from Karen Nimmo.
The simple formula is…
- Make them feel interesting.
- Make them feel seen.
- Make them feel valued.
When you do this, you stop being a salesperson and start being a connector. You stop being “that guy who tried to sell me insurance” and become “that fascinating person I met at open networking.” Ironically, even if you said very little about yourself, they will remember you as an interesting conversationalist.
This is the ultimate networking hack: To be interesting, be interested.
When you approach a “boring” person with the mindset of a treasure hunter, believing that there is gold buried somewhere in their personality and it is your job to dig it out, your body language changes. You lean in. You make eye contact. You smile. And that energy is contagious. The other person wakes up. They realise, “Oh, this isn’t just a transaction. This person actually cares.”
Part 4: The Toolkit—Questions to Wake the Dead
Right, enough theory. How do we actually do this? You are standing in front of the actuary. The silence is deafening. What do you say?
Dr. Misner provided a fantastic list of “Smart Talk” questions (as opposed to Small Talk) designed to bypass the autopilot responses and tap into the emotional center of the brain.
Here are the heavy hitters you need to add to your arsenal:
1. “What has been the best part of your week so far?”
Why it works: This is a positivity pump. Most people default to complaints (“The traffic was bad,” “I’m so busy”). This question forces their brain to scan for a highlight. It changes the chemical trajectory of the conversation from cortisol (stress) to serotonin (happiness). Even if the best part of their week was a really good sandwich, you are now talking about something they enjoyed, rather than work drudgery.
2. “Besides work, what gets you up in the morning?”
Why it works: This effectively bans the “job title” talk without being rude. It signals that you see them as a human being, not just a business card. It invites them to talk about their kids, their marathon training, their garden, or their obsession with artisanal coffee.
3. “Are you working on any fun or meaningful projects right now?”
Why it works: Notice the adjectives: fun and meaningful. You aren’t asking “What projects are on your desk?” (which sounds like a boss checking in). You are asking about passion. This gives them permission to talk about a charity initiative, a new business launch, or even a home renovation. It taps into what drives them.
4. “What personal passion project has your attention these days?”
Why it works: This is the nuclear option for boring conversations. Dr. Misner mentioned asking this of Richard Branson, and even a billionaire lit up like a Christmas tree. Everyone has something they are geeky about. When you find that thing, the “boring” mask falls off. Their eyes widen, their hands start moving, and suddenly, you are in a real conversation.
The Twist
If you try these and they still struggle, you can pivot to the future.
- “What are you looking forward to most this year?”
- “If you weren’t in this industry, what would you be doing?”
The goal is to find the spark. As Dr. Misner says, “Almost everyone has a great story inside them.” It is your job to find the trigger that releases it.
Part 5: From Pitch to Person (Killing the Sales Mindset)
One of the biggest reasons networking events become boring slogs is the “Sales Mindset.”
Too many people treat the room like a marketplace. They are hunters. They are scanning the room for prey (clients). If they decide you aren’t a potential client, they disengage. If they decide you are a potential client, they launch into a script.
This is exhausting for everyone.
When you are trying to sell, you are focused on your pitch. You are waiting for your turn to speak. You aren’t listening; you are reloading.
When you switch to a “Connection Mindset,” the pressure vanishes. You don’t need to close a deal to consider the meeting a success. You just need to build a connection that didn’t exist ten minutes ago.
Collaboration > Transactions
Dr. Misner makes a profound point: “Networking isn’t about convincing people to hire you. It’s about discovering how the two of you can benefit each other.”
Sometimes that benefit is business. Sometimes it’s an introduction to someone else. Sometimes it’s just a shared laugh about how terrible the coffee is.
When you use the questions above, when you ask about passion projects and meaningful work, you are looking for points of collaboration.
- Maybe their passion project aligns with your charity work.
- Maybe their hobby is something your brother-in-law does, and you can make an intro.
- Maybe they are struggling with a problem your service solves, but because you established trust first, they actually ask you for help instead of you forcing it on them.
The paradox of networking is this: The less you sound like a salesperson, the more you will sell.
People buy from people they like and trust. By taking the time to “un-bore” the conversation and get to know the human, you are laying the foundation for future business that is far stronger than any elevator pitch could ever be.
Part 6: The “Complaints” Trap
A quick warning, when you are trying to bond with someone, do not fall into the trap of bonding over negativity.
It is tempting. It is easy to stand in the corner and mock the speaker, or complain about the weather, or whine about the economy. Dr. Misner warns strictly against this.
- “Half the people don’t care.”
- “The other half are glad you are worse off than they are.”
Complaining doesn’t build trust; it builds a temporary, shallow alliance based on misery. It doesn’t spark emotion (other than annoyance) and it certainly doesn’t make you memorable in a good way.
If you find the conversation drifting toward complaints, use the “Best Part of the Week” question to pivot. Be the person who brings the sunlight, not the person who points out the rain.
Conclusion: Be the Spark
Next time you are at a networking event, and you feel that familiar glaze coming over your eyes, stop. Catch yourself.
Look at the person in front of you. Remind yourself that they are a protagonist in their own movie, not an extra in yours. Remind yourself that if you are bored, you are failing your duty as a networker.
Take a deep breath and ask: “So, aside from the 9-to-5, what is lighting you up right now?”
Watch what happens. Watch the posture shift. Watch the smile reach their eyes.
You have the power to change the energy of the entire room, one conversation at a time. As Dr. Misner said, “When you light someone else up, the whole room gets brighter.”
Go forth, Networking Nessies. Stop floating. Start swimming. And for the love of the Loch, stop being boring.
